An Interview with the Grand High Llama of the IPU Rich Daniel

Does the IPU really exist?
As much as god exists or Eric Draven for that matter. Take one horse.
Paint it pink, put a horn on its head, make it invisible and you have
an invisible pink unicorn. Does this mean its possible? Conventional
Wisdom strictly forbids such an action. Of course Conventional Wisdom
was sadly mistaken about the shape of the earth now wasn't it? The
Earth didn't suddenly decide to become spherical in reaction to a
popular poll. There isn't any proof that you can't have an IPU any
more than there is proof that you can have one. If one is to deny the
existence of the IPU one need to deny the existence of god, santa
claus, truth in advertising, political reform, jesus, and all other
things that are intangible and not present on top of your terminal
staring you right in the face at this moment. Can't have one or the
other, this isn't the 31 flavors of philosophy. Accepting one
inplausable scheme such as waking up alive with all bodily functions
still working requires that one admit that all other inplausable
schemes in the universe are possible. In fact the IPU is
impausability itself.

Is there a point to this?
Yes! The IPU is the cosmic guru of uncertaintly. Since its
invisible it can't possible be pink but it is. You're feeling
uncertain right now aren't you. It is and it isn't at the same time.
Normall only certain cats trapped in boxes with 50% chances to live
could be and not be at the same time. The cat undergoes wave collapse
but the IPU is beyond that. Its is both at the same time because you
can't be certain what the hell it is, pink or invisible because you
can't find it to check. Schrodinger was on the entirely wrong track
with the kitty idea. The IPU isn't sure either since it can't exactly
look in a mirror. It experience the essence of being pink and
invisible at the same time. Such miracles are not easily come by mere
mortal.

So is the IPU god?
No more than David Bowie. The IPU does not have demands of its
followers. It does not demand tribute or place silly restrictions on
their behaviour, dress, where they spend Saturday night, or what brand
of Tequilla they consume. The IPU just is. Accept it believer since
the most holy horn will not skewer you if you choose not to, in fact
the IPU will do NOTHING to you if you don't choose to accept its
existence. This is a non threating religion, we have quite enough of
the treatening kind already.

Where did the IPU come from?
Legend has it that someone on alt.atheism quipped that god(tm) was as
logical as pixies or invisible pink unicorns. A certain someone was
tickled pink (so to speak) by the idea and decided to start a new
religion based on an invisible pink unicorn. This of course is merely
legend and rather silly.

The IPU has existed always and always will exist as the true
incarnation of all that is invisible, pink, horny, and uncertain in
the universe. The unicorn is responsible for all the uncertainty in
the universe. It causes quantum particles be completely
indeterminate, it makes the actions of Mother Nature mysterious, is
resposible for an infinite number of strange and unpredictable actions
and makes a damn fine tequilla sunrise. In the beginning when some
furry guy in a white robe said 'let there be light' the IPU lit a
clove from it. The holy smoke from the original clove defracted the
light and started the random motion of light which for some unknown
reason looked more than a little like Salvador Dali. Thus was born
uncertainity.

So like the IPU is kind of like, uncertain?
While the IPU is the embodiment of uncertainty he/she/it/? certaintly
does not like stupid or fluffy people. Nor does the IPU like people
who pretend they have all the bloody answers and you're just too blind
and one of these days you'll pay for your lack of faith unbeliever.
Hence the IPU does not require faith but exists regardless of doubt as
there simply isn't a way to prove that it dosen't exist. As its
invisible one can neither say its pink or not pink or something else
entirely so its entirely uncertain that its pink. If it wasn't pink
it wouldn't be the Invisible Pink Unicorn now would it?

Why a unicorn?
It's 1000 times cuter than a purple assed baboon (appoligies to
W. Burroughs) and much more uncertain. Just because you haven't seen
an unicorn dosen't mean they don't exist. I haven't seen quarks,
electrons, or Peter Murphy for that matter, but I still accept their
existence even though I have no direct evidence for their existence.
Unicorns are special creatures which exist seemingly in the
imagination but there isn't any reason they can't exist. Horses with
horns in their foreheads who can only be approach by virgins are
perfectly logical, their existence has not been confirmed yet


How can one believe in the IPU?
Simple. Do so. Its not that difficult. Accept the IPU as something
that exists. There isn't a way to deny its existence without denying
the existence of all that cannot be directly observed by one's own
sensory organs. Taking into account optical illusions, LSD, and
dreams for example one can easily see how faliable even these means of
observation are. There really isn't anything you can put your trust
into. The people who most want to tell you that they can be trusted
are those you can least afford to do so, sales representives,
politicians, insurance agents, and religious figures.

You're a religious figure, can I trust you?
As far as you can throw me. As I'm a skinny gothy type this depends
on who's doing the throwing. Again its a matter of personal
prefrence. I could be totally insane and spouting lies, or one of the
most rational people around or both at the same time.
There's always the chance that the Invisible Pink Unicorn is indeed
sleeping at the foot of my bed and drinking my wine. Its a matter for
one's personal consideration. The IPU is uncertain. It cannot be
logically shown that the IPU exists or dosen't exist as much as you
can tell if I'm lying or not. Most mundane heads would have exploded
by now but if your cranium is still intact is it up to you gentle
reader to asertain the truth of the most holy Invisible Pink Unicorn

This dosen't make sense.

That's the idea. The IPU dosen't make logical sense but neither do
the laws of physics. They make sense to cult members who undergo a
lenghty initation, namely physicists. Nothing in the universe makes
sense, the IPU is merely the first being to be honest about it. The
universe just is, only logic makes us act in strange ways. Logic is
what starts wars, causes misery, starts famine, and makes a really bad
cup of tea. Rejecting logic is the first step to enlightenment.
Logic is what tells you to cut your hair, buy sensible shoes, that
your aspriations in life are a BMW, things from The Sharper Image
catalog, and that wearing velvet, lace and lots of mascara is
a silly idea.

Are there any relgious tracts?
Yes. The entire truth of the universe were inscribed on the sacred
tablets of the IPU by the IPU itself. Unfortunatly the tablets were
comprised of the purest cubic zirconium and any attempt to read them
using a light source results in blinding refraction effects that would
sear the retina through welding glasses. Needless to say they're
impossible to read and the IPU wasn't paying much attention to what
was being written down and is struggling to remember. Oh well.
You've seen one universal truth you've seen them all.

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