The Book of the
1 Verily am I blessed
among women, for I have had revealed unto me the
Truthful Doctrine of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (Peace Be
2 And this was the manner of it. For I was wandering and
confused upon the
beaches of A/sa/teague, when I was approached by a small
and shaggy pony,
which did attempt to eat the apple which I was holding.
"Away," I cried.
"Foul beast, would you steal the apple which is
3 Then did the pony look down upon me, and spake:
"Child, do you not know me?"
4 And I said, "Verily, it is not my habit to consort
with local wildlife."
5 And the pony spake thus: "Quit it with the
'verily' bit, OK? Know, then,
you ignorant heathen, that you are in the Presence of the
One you have sought,
but never found."
6 And lo! the shaggy pony disappeared, and I felt myself
to be in the
Presence. And indeed was the Presence pink, and shaped
like unto a unicorn.
Yet such was the overwhelming nature of the Presence that
I could not, in
truth, look upon it.
7 For indeed, my friends, it is for this reason that the
great Pink Unicorn is
called Invisible, and that is, that the Presence is too
great for our small
eyes to truly see, and to awesome for our small minds to
comprehend. It is by
our faith alone that we know her to be Pink, and a
8 And truly those who say otherwise are heretics and
unbelievers, and shall be
cast into the Great Manure Pile where her Sacred Dwarves
shall indeed nibble
on their kneecaps for all eternity. And serve them right.
9 Yet when I felt myself to be in the Presence I was
afraid. And I cast
myself face down in the sand and begged, "O
Galloping Goddess, forgive me that
I did not know you, and do not send me forth to eat lunch
with your ancient
foe, the Purple Oyster of Doom. For he will force me to
eat pizza with
pepperoni and mushrooms, and I shal be most
10 And Her Pinkness proclaimed, "Do not be afraid,
my servant, for you have
been mislead by the false prophets who quote Chapters and
Verses of books
which do not exist. And yet I have also revealed to them
the Eternal Truth,
and indeed have they mangled it."
11 "And furthermore shall you know that it is
fitting that I be celebrated by
prophets who do not exist, in verses that do not exist,
for books that do not
exist. For my own existence is of a dubious and
contradictory nature, and I
like it that way."
12 Then was I much confused, whereat I asked, "Then
how, O You Whose Hooves
Are Never Shod, shall I know how to behave myself, if
even Your holy books
are not to be believed?"
13 And thus spoke She Who Is Pink, and said, "That
is what I shall tell you,
for I shall reveal to you the Truth, if you will just
shut up and listen.
And verily, get your face outta the sand."
1 And the Invisible Pink Unicorn spoke unto me, and said,
"Write this stuff
2 Therefore did I search my pockets, and came up with a
bunch of 3x5 index
cards, and also a ballpoint pen.
3 Then did Her Equine Self touch the pen with Her
marvellous horn, and lo! it
turned pink! And I was much amazed, and began jotting
down this account.
4 And I said unto the Principle of Unicornity, "If
we're going to be really
appropriate, shouldn't this be in invisible ink?"
5 Surely then was the Great One annoyed, and She spake,
and said, "Do not be a
wise-ass, my child, unless you want a hoofprint in your
forehead. But, if you
must know, when you post this to the Internet, which is
the center of My
worship, then indeed shall the pinkness of the writing be
6 Thus was I first afflicted by the terrible jokes of Her
Invisible Pink Glory.
7 And the Unicorn spoke again, saying, "Write this.
First, know that there
is not merely one doom reserved for unbelievers, but a
Very Big Number.
Therefore am I shown to be greater than any other deity.
8 For who else can bost the Hell #655, wherein
trangressors are punished by
having to listen to the endless drivel of uncountable
9 "Who else can boast Hell #333, where
fundamentalists are continually sawn in
half by stage magicians?"
10 "Oh, and note down that there *is* no Hell
11 "For that would be too easy."
12 So did I write all that down, and the Invisible
Unicorn said, "Come again
13 And the Holy Writings on the Sacred 3x5 Index Cards in
(Invisible) Pink Ink were put in the Very Devout Plastic
File Box, where I
left them, buried in the sands of A/sa/teague.
email@example.com (Walrus and April)